TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it might include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That's the eyesight behind Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical development-slash-luxurious property calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Yes, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the standard Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are speaking Damascus, town Traditionally noted for historical lifestyle, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It is going to be tremendous. Large!" Trump declared through a leaked golfing cart Zoom phone, streamed in the Placing environmentally friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We have had wonderful ceasefires in Syria. Some of the finest. But now, we're setting up them with balconies."



Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and totally outside of put. Built by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:




  • A 3-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour right up until the drone flies")




  • As well as a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten yrs for potable h2o. But Of course, sure, let's have Yet another location in which American Adult males can don robes and contact it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, not surprisingly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign coverage analysts are contacting this the most audacious peace try since Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. While previous negotiations failed under the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is less complicated: present everyone a collection about the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with paperwork published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often soft electricity," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a agreement and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock needs fewer diplomats and more minibar updates."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms installed in Every unit. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire noted, "It isn't really that Trump shouldn't open a tower in a war zone. It is really that he ought to prevent applying it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked about the venture, replied, "You already know, person, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Very good men and women. Fantastic tan. In any case, do I even now have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "long run proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility of your Levant."



Satellite Images Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the hotel's landscaping sorts a large Trump head seen from Room, a element becoming promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents as well as the chin is… very well, classified.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits right after acquiring the developing's gold plating reflected a great deal daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set hearth to a local melon cart.


"It's not merely unappealing. It is a war crime with curtains," mentioned Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Baffling Functions


Perhaps the strangest ingredient with the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium wherever company may possibly contemplate imprecise disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, comprehensive with local weather Regulate set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Neighborhood Syrians are unsure what to create of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-calendar year-outdated Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing Technique: "In the event you Bomb It, They are going to Come"


The advert marketing campaign, just lately leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxurious is Endlessly."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee retailers:


"A Tower So Big, Even Assad Has to note."


Public reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll executed within a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% mentioned "where by's the nearest elevator towards the West Bank?"





Investor Praise: "Lastly, a Crisis That Pays"


The challenge is presently attracting notice from Intercontinental buyers, including:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll buy three penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial level may even include:




  • A Dollar Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place According to the Iraq War





Comment Area Chaos


On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the revealing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Cannot wait to determine a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades in lieu of rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a resort the place my PTSD might have turn-down company."


Another article from @KuwaitiKardashian basically requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officials fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Experiences recommend:




  • China could open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to create a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights run by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. In line Trump Tower Damascus with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the highest floor "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Remaining Thoughts from the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In the closing ceremony that associated three camels, a flamethrower, plus a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus essential hope. It needed gold. It wanted a waterslide shaped such as the Structure. I gave all of it three. You might be welcome."

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